thank you all.... for ALL...

what else could i say? for now.. nothing more...

BIG THANK YOU... for your wishes.. and for all...

nothing more...

oh - the gig?...

WELL.. i guess... it went absolutely great....

i mean we had some small mistakes.. but no one noticed.... and the audience had fun.. so in total, as a first one, after 2 rehearsals, i guess it was ok....

though the most expected guest did not show up... so i sang my heart out...

waiting.. still waiting.. could he come for one song? for one note..?....all tunes sang especially for him...only for him... all were and are and will be for him....all are about him...

in Polish we have a proverb: "when titanic was sinking, the orchestra played at full blast" meaning - even if you're going, go with style, with honour...

so i sang so deeply... and so truely...i guess audience could feel it as they swarmed me with flowers and congrats... and they seemed to feel it as well... and cry as well in some moment... and only two friends knew why all i sang was so real....

why the notes were so touching.. and so amazingly deep....

singing means feeling.. you cannot hide..i mean, if you hide in singing, it sounds only ok... only barely ok... nothing special.... singing is feeling....

that is why i love it - i don't have to hide...

they called me petal as i could feel the whisper of wind..and see the shaeds of sadness and pain in a face of a stranger... and when faced with beggars on the street, i could stop and cry... with anger that i can;t do much more...

(( then i learned being very strong...."assertive" , normal... not a delicate poet... normal... as you cannot go thru the world being petal. you are petal only for this ONE..

i was Petal for him..he BROUGHT ME BACK... but i was scared to be myself... trying to show that or that,trying to explain instead of LETTING THINGS BE... . JUST BE.. PETAL, FOR MY DEAREST ...a true MAN.. a great MAN... with heart that is gentle and kind..... i am petal for him..only for him... .. but when he came, i was a stupid strong pretending idiot....LOST.. not seeing anything... worried i would hurt this delicate flower... when i leave.. the flower i do not need.. while... he was all i waited for... and he brought me back... ))

singing is feeling... it always saved me...

when things went terribly wrong.. with family, with health.. singing was my anchor...

because i hoped.... that...

i could hope... and i feel i can;t anymore...sorry...

you may think i am too delicate, and "all will be ok"...

well.. i hope you can understand that when THIS love comes, you know it is the ONE... and nothing will be like THIS ONE..

so the gig was great.... Radio could not record but some local Polish TV came with an interview... i was knackered... 3 hours rehearsal, 3 hours gig....but, as an ex actress, i was performing - smiling, thanking for congrats, for the cameras, for the audience.. genuinly thanking them for being there...( at first there were only 10 people as a major cabaret group, famous in Poland , had their show upstairs in the same time, so we had to wait and thouhgt no one would come to listen to us... but they did... a lot of them.....though we started like john coltrane : playing for 5 people.. well - I don'tmind being like John C ... so..

i kept thinking that if he came, i would sing for 1 person.... as happy as a larry.... but.....

but...

so it went ok...

i had a band of my dreams.. seriously... god damn - they were amazing.,.. sax, trumpet, keys, bass, and drums.... playing like biggest stars... despite the fact that we only met twice...and had to communicate on the stage sometimes lost in tunes..... but we all wanted to save it... and we did it...

we did it...

but there are some other things in this life that matter...

matter more...

sh**... they do matter more..so much more... so much more... that the others mean nothing...

nothing at all...

when we were together i was afraid it may hurt him that i love music so much...

only later i realised i love him MORE... but i did not know how... completely did not know how... so he got no love from me... i am only learning... how to love... how to love...#
i knew nothing....not aware of it, but i could not... give love... i realised i want to try too late...

too late

too late...

so...

he said he may come..

but i guess he realised i care..after the voicemail... so he didn't...

honest man - not to give me hope... so i don't have hope... for nothing....

he didn't .....

thank you! all best...

thank you so much!

that's all i can say...

i hate Petal when she is like that.... My name is Maya - i was called like that as i always resembled a famous cartoon character: MAYA THE BEE :always joyful, full of energy, ideas, having fun.. making the most of all... this is not Maya... Maya is gone somewhere far.....

she always loved life.. she defied doctors.. because she loved living and travelling and languages, and living,... and she always hoped... that one day she will find the one she would love so much...

and she was right... she did...

and she is so angry she makes her friends sad... she really hates it....

but also, she is so tired... of carring it all... and having no hope... left...

she worked so hard... and had hope..

yes, i was still having hope...

when i met him, he smiled... straight away.. and let me kiss his cheeks 4 times.. and did not let wipe the lipstick..... and asked about the address of the venue..but then i left a voicemail.. and i guess he realised i still ..i still. i always will..

so he didn;t come..

all my friends were there..

and for them, I smiled.. and sang so well.. despite all...

for them i was in my best dress.. and smiling....

for them i did this stupid TV interview...

for them i kept trying.. for them , meaning for you - MY FRIENDS...

for you, i sang like never before... saving every note despite being so tired... only breakfast than 7 hours ... and nothing to eat, and greet the audience, and making sure the band is happy and buy food fot them and keep them happy... and greet the audience...

but i did it...

but deep inside..i knew i know...

you areso great, my friends.. and my dear 2 sisters....

but the pain is pain... deep inside...

and i want someone to let me rest... to stop feeling this pain for a sec.. for a moment...

and i hv had enough of this sad Petal...

and nothing, no one can bring the true one .... (it looks as if)there is no God. no hope... everything is finished...not true, i know.. but it felt like that.,...

only me, and him... could bring it back.. i always did.. as i knew what i am fighting for:

FOR LOVE...

but now..

so i ... i do what i do best - i feel...and i sing for you now,,... as deeply as i can... like yesterday:

asking you to excuse me... to forgive..

the true joyful petal that kept being so happy all her life, asks you to .. forgive..

and so i just sing, especially for you:

with all my heart... as great as i can...

for you:

You don't know what love is
‘Til you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is

You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
You don't know what love is

Do you know how lost I've been
At the thought of reminiscing
And how lips that taste of tears
Lose their taste for kissing

You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes
how could you know what love is

and

Hush now, dont explain
Just say youll remain
Im glad your back, dont explain

Quiet, dont explain
What is there to gain
Skip that lipstick
Dont explain

You know that I love you
And what endures
All my thoughts of you
For Im so completely yours

Hush now, dont explain
You're my joy and pain
My life's yours love

Dont explain

or actually, the first song i ever sang.... my dearest.... the first one... sang in the bathroom of a friend who happened to be a composer and made me sing it to the mike...and i fought for singing so that i could one day sing it for my MAN.. i smiled thinking one day i would meet him...

now i shall not sing it again...but here for you, last time:

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth
For here you are standing there loving me, whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.

i must have done something bad.. in my other lives.. i don't know.. i tried to be a good person..so hard, always.. kind and good.. and always to protect him... always thinking whether he could be hurt if i leave.... but i must have done something bad...i guess... something i shall never redeem.. something i will pay for until the end.....and so i only want a rest...for a sec....

thank you!!

smiling... i love smiling...

so - somehow... not knowing how.. because there is .. how could i smile?

ok.. for my little brother.. for my friends... just to make them happy...

so, 1,2,3 ...

here we go..:

even if there was a tear somewhere.. in the corner of the eye...

coz love = for them....

so i am smiling at full blast again...

ciao!

Petal