"....

Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that now for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time never really is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,
For love,
For love,
For love"

..

will you ever try to belive that all that has changed me so much.. taught me love... and brought me to maya...?

will you ever want to ....

....?

...

zawsze czekam... i nigdy nie bedzie za pozno... tylko sie odezwij.. i uwazaj na siebie, najmilszy... najmilszy.. najmilszy... i jedyny...

..... how long would i be writing this blog?..

26 years i was waiting for something, for someone... for life to become full.. then it all broke... and now, how long will i be getting used to the fact that you decided to go away..and it was so much my fault... because you loved,. and i kept pushing you away;and hurting; and then behaved as if i had no life at all, and 'suffocated' you in all the care, crying, words, promises; and i was so lost.. i lost me... i still can't understand why it took me so long to see You and to stop hiding myself...... instead of just being maya ...

....

how long will i keep thinking, believing so strongly, for the first time in my life. that there is lots of great friends i have,. and life such a miracle, but there is no other half of me anywhere... to make it all complete again...?

until...?

it dies?... this is not an option, we know that... since love does not die..

until...

one day, you decide you could give me a chance... try to see this other maya, the one you fell in love with... the smiling one...and quiet...

Liam... would you ever try to see me again? not meet me, but see me through .. just like a friend... would you ever try to have this quiet walk with me... and smile... and try again?

......

how long will i be writing this blog...

is there anything else to be written....

too many words... too many ...

i tried to save it by words.. to explain you all that... but it was all too many words... i should have just taken your hand, smiled to you, and told you that you have all the time you need, and i will always be waiting.. and always be a friend...

will you ever try again? try to believe.. try to give us a chance....?

how long would i be thinking of you...

i know that - for ever...

take care, ok ?

thank you

yours...

yours..

yours..

yours...

your - friend.

m

"....

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again

And I wonder
What's in a day
What's in you cake this time

I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my hearts been hard to find

Here there must be something
Here there must be something here here

Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind
I know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time

Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again

And I wonder
If he's ok
If you see him say hi"

...

...

"They put a needle once in my spine
It took them so long to find it
I can't get this pornfilm out of my head
Let's get on with it

It is banging inside
It is singing aloud
'Get on with your life'

All over the world they get out of bed
Love dies every second
I can't get this creature out of my way
Killing it is not an option

It is biting your nails
So as not to scratch
Get on with your life

It is counting aloud
'Til the battery dies
'Get on with your life'

And I try to get up and I try to move but
This thing won't let me
It's heavy as a man's body on you

And it's this close to get me

It is banging inside
It is singing aloud
Get on with your life

'Til the battery dies
'Til the battery dies
Get on with your life "

..

I did....restarted to live, and changed... learned ...and came back to me./... and and.....BUT
....

it was so hard to find you, Liam.... i actually sometimes stopped believing i ever would.. such LOVE... someone that I would LOVE so dearly.... just for who they are.. not expecting anything.. loving just because you are... i did not even imagine i can love like that.. so much.. and i can find that someone...... and then this jam... and you sitting shyly so close to me./..and me in my black dress with white flowers.. and the ride in the shopping trolley.. and ..and and... and...so many memories...

Liam.. the great protector...

do you remember this email you sent me in February... when you could not sleep until 4 am.. " thinking how much you did to me... and then when I called, at the very end , just before i hang up, you said it... and then you emailed me that " you said it in hopes that i do not forget how you feel about me.."..

i would never...

this man of velvet hands and silk voice, and face of a boy, and deep dark eyes... and smile so wide... that smile that made me so so so happy.. and still does....

(smiling)

....

nor would i ever... forget .. you...

i will never...

hm.... i will never... may stay alone all my life.. but .. how could i forget..?

(smiling)

....

i did get on ... everyone says it to me so often.. i did... but ..that is not the point ... because love is deeper, stronger... longer... fuller... love gives you such a great peace in your heart.. and only sometimes, all rather all the time, there is this undercurrent, that touch of sadness caused by the fact that all what and how happened caused you to get out of it./.. and me to behave like not me.. and US to be lost...sadness that we lost it.. and when they tell me : move on, i answer: but how can you expect me to kill love? and why? the biggest gift life ever gave me ? the biggest and simplest miracle .. miracle of smiling at the thought of someone, smiling at a thought of simple and yet miraculous things like a walk hand in hand under the summer sky...... everything came to such a unique completion and then broke into million pieces.......

and now life is so great, and everything is so much ok, but deep there is this sadness so profound.. that we lost that completion, that joy. that miracle... that I!! my behaviour and actions made us lose it.. lose US... and that it hurt you....but how could i ever kill it? would i ever be able to do it? don't think so... love grows stronger with every day...

yesterday a friend, thinking it was a simple "fall in love" scenario, asked me " excuse me, Maya, but why Liam ? "... and then... i started ...describing the million things you were and are... ) and there was no stop ... little miraculous things....

"If he were a color
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual
If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango

But if here a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

(( God.. you know better than all.. that.. ))

He ain't the reasong for the sun and the moon
He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)
Said he means the world to me
Me me me yeah
He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he
He's a complicated melody
I almost can not sing it on key

.....

and so everyone tells me to get on....

but...

"killing it is not an option"...

killing it is not an option....

how could I?

....you know dude... i miss you..

take care,ok ?

"....So this is goodbye
So this is how you say it
These are the words It's the
voice you're using
It's the picture you've seen
So this is goodbye
So this is how you say it
This is the time it takes you
It didn't take you a lot now did it?
It didn't hurt you a lot now did it?
So this is goodbye
So this is how you spell it
Where you place it in your mouth
What happens if I didn't hear you?
What happens if it wasn't serious?

Well I was around
Maybe it was you I came to see
Maybe it was you who invited me
I remember your eyes were on me
I remember your eyes were on me
Goodbye
??????"

and you probably now... only , quoting you. are "saddened by the fact that it TAKES ME TIME to move on..\" move on ? - no, dear.. that is not a problem.. i did move on, and learned and changed, and become happier and fuller... \BUT .. how can you kill love? why should you? how could one try to stop such a great gift and miracle....

and so...

so this was goodbye?
???

???

???

???....

AND SO.... we spent some time together, some time ago... I thought so much of you...you thought of me, you loved...then i behaved so foolishly. and hurt, and said too much, oh my God - so much too much (m still laughing at that, and how lost i was).... and then all that happened. time passed and passes, you are probably with someone, ( and i am happy if you are happy) ; someone who cares and is strong and free.... and I am here... and yet I ....still love you ... and since i am not a teenager, these words are so much deeper...and so much true.. . AND yet,... we may never "meet again on this bumpy road to love... yet i will always always have the memory of ... all that"... and all i am left with is that - a big gift and miracle: my life... so i am here - to simply just live, smile, keep 'fighting' ... keep living and smiling.. and singing... having that strength that it all brought back to me, gave me.. and love for myself... all that you DID have when i met you : you were always stronger than me.. and I was so wrong.. thinking you were a "little boy who needed me"; while you knew what you wanted all along., and you knew what love is for you....and i behaved AS IF.... and so now , i live having all that strength... AND YET: ...how could one forget you? you know that so well: how could one forget a man of velvet palms and silk voice and face of a beautiful boy ; how ? so,I keep on being happy and doing all the things i love, and all is ok, and great... AND YET....

I KNOW.. it sounds like a title of a cheap american comedy.. or a line from a sitcom... i wish it was.. and yet, that is true.. we both know it.. you know i love you, i know you care... but i hurt you, unaware, and you decided you have to go... and now it seems you build already something new with someone new... and i am the one that misses, cares.. and will miss,worry, care, and support you in all : like in this beautiful song" I ll be there" by Jackson 5..... and it will go on and on, until...? until the end of the world? perhaps.. very probably.. since that is what Love is... love means always.. even if we know that we somehow have to "stop" and live.. and so I walk around the house trying to force myself to stop thinking of you, and repeating: you have to , you have to... you have to - live, let go.. let go.. you have to .. you have to.., just live and stop thinking, stop loving?

que sera, sera.. que sera, sera....

que sera, sera...

I wish you were a "bastard.. immature, irresponsible, stupid.." ' not worth me' ( what a cliche phrase).. but ... it was me - i behaved so childishly immature, and foolish, and broke every single word.. syainf i am strong and being weak... with my little gestures of a hurt child.. like sending you back your email..... i wish you were the childish part...but you are kind and good, and strong, and mature.... and i returned to norm after getting lost.. ((I LEARNED TO LOVE... SO SLOWLY.. BUT I AM GETTING THERE.. WISH YOU COULD FEEL IT...))...and see it too well....were you stronger than me? perhaps... you were always ahead.. like when you started loving me and giving me all your world.. when my time was so hectic that i could not see it... and then i saw.. that 27 years i was waiting for something, looking for something. only to have found so much more in you ... and now ...?...

take care, dear... smile ... , sing, believe.. and if something happens - you know that i am always with you...

always smiling... for you!

always loving.... always for you, and fighting for you, and always supporting you...

ciao!

bye.. how shall i say it?....

que sera, sera???
...

I...

your

M

why...

why do we have to pass by each other like lost blind passerbyes on a street?..why did you love so deeply and i hurt you, unaware, for me now loving you more than..., and you, sometimes unawarely hurting me.. because you now 'need' to feel 'important and manly...'??? //or perhaps i hurt so much that you need to hurt me in revenge...?? ( unaware, because i know you would never hurton purpose ) to balance things.. and so i have to fly away miles from here.. because now you 'need' to push me away... as a 'revenge' for me not appreciating you...? why we have to miss one another only to find us later? why people cannot just stop for a second and see that what they have in front of their eyes is the biggest miracle given by someone above.. why you have to hurt me now so much that i do not know whether i still exist... and yet, I still love you more than i could ever imagine loving anyone... why do we have to be like lost drifters.. why...?

yes.. i know.. it all sounds as if i was a mad teenager.. but.. isn't life great when you are mad like that? especially when you are an adult and your madness is serious, and deep... like the sea...

so.. i may be stupid.. and foolish.. and whatever you want to call me... but i know, yes.. i knew and know in every second - as much as I know that i may never see him again, the ONE whom I hurt so much... - so I know again,and again, and again - i know it in every second and feel it in every particle of my body.. that I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU....

...will you ever want to forgive me.. L..?

will you ever try to trust me again....

.... life is so great just to think that you are on this world....

(( and you ,readers.. call me all the names: call me childish, stupid, fool... but.. I simply love him, so what can I do? ...

please dearest take care... if you do not want to see me again, that is all fine.. just please take care, ok ... :-)

... and so my sort of a letter went to ..you, yes, you who I hope will read this blog one day.. but it wasn't all of course... how could i tell all? ... and when I was giving you that letter, i saw that perhaps you somewhere still care, and perhaps what i hurt you with still hurts you.. but as a man you cannot say, admit that....or you don't even know yourself... ,you, a Man, one of the greatest of all...why we humans are sometimes so daft.. and we 'have to' hurt first before realising how much we love, realising that we would do all not to hurt THIS one person... ? why we push away - as i did, to protect you - only to realize how daft we were...?why I had to think you are weak only to realise that your love is your biggest strength...and that you were so much ahead of me...?will you ever forgive me,? will you try to see the woman... and trust again?... L, will you ever forgive me?... what can I do as a woman? i cannot beg, and yet, all i want is to ask you to have one more look at me...... and tell you that I am there for you... but i respect your freedom and so in all that aftermath of me hurting you, all I want to tell you, and all I cannot tell you is that ...I love you.. will we ever...?

...