Dear Mr Michael Buble,

Personally, I deeply believe that as a crooner, you have little chances to remain popular, once a certain singer called L.E. hits the stages over the world and charms your fans with his deep and amazing voice, and his class... yet! i have to admit, your version of this song touched me...and so I put it on here, I sing it along with you, dedicating it to someone very special...much more than that...the only person that i could ever dedicate this song to...who always will be special; now, when I know what 'always' means. ALWAYS... no matter how cheesy it may sound... ALWAYS.

best!

Petal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhzH-8JpSDY&mode=related&search=

"...Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didnt hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
Im so happy that youre mine
If I make you feel second best
Man, Im sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind..."

wow... lots to do now.. then a month in Peru in December ( or - that is the question... we'll see) , most probably - to learn a lot about myself, and be a better friend to all cement what I have learned.

after reading, and learning a lot now...

and in the mean time - start a course of Spanish, get a driving course, record demo, start lessons, continue excercises, sing! sing!...but most of all - just be better yes! lots of work i better start nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

kirky as soon as I get something recorded, i will upload it here ( if i may, without getting PRO ) as promissed

and, since i hope to get new gigs in london very soon, I hope one day you all will pop in and listen live

Petal

Dear All,

After a damn annoying laringitis, i can proudly say that on Sat I will be playing my first big gig in london!! that will be partly recorded by a radio [wow]... www.orla.fm

I hope to have you all there!! please come along and bring your friends!!

my heart will be so happy to sing for you.... as singing is all about sharing...

Sat 15th Sep start at 20:00
in Jazz Cafe POSK

238-246 King Street, Hammersmith, London W6 0RF

thank you all! it all happened thanks to you holding my hand where times are tough....

[heart] for you!

petal

"...Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

Love never ends;
as for prophecies, they will pass away;
as for tongues, they will cease;
as for knowledge, it will pass away.

For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. ..."

i am always there for you...and always your friend.

smile, please ..

you are so beautifl, L... esp. when you smile. 'coz one can see your heart when you smile.. and it is so beautiful.. i hope you will never forget how beautiful your heart is.

take care...

..

i know.. we all like the smiling painting nail-girl... but not today...this is just like me photographed from the profile.. so...

(( darling, it never was that bad, so it has to be better, uhm..?))

so -

[[come on...petal.. it was bad....not worse because you never were that happy by loving someone... and that sad by the fact that your inability to show it . to LOVE (you thought you loved but you had to learn it) destroyed a lot... and a good friend decided to go... but..it was bad.... and you got strong... and now you are stronger... because you know you do not want to lose the love and be stronger at the cost of it... so although it may hurt more, you will go thru it.. you will.. you have to be YOU- strong.. for both of you (if there were both...is there? isn't there...?); for your friends.. you have to you know that stronger and stronger.. and he loved you for that as welll... and NOW, you know you cannot lose the love... just be strong... it hurts more.. but is worth so much more... so come on petal... keep fighting.. come on... darling... sweetie..remember when you were called sweetie... just keep going.. keep going..
petal... keep going....

you do not want to do get stronger at the cost of love... even if it hurts more.. even if it is tougher.. because it would be so easy to kill it.. easy and impossible... you tried..

it would be so "easy" dear... is this what you decided to do?...

whatever, i just want you to be happy... am a friend. first and mostly - i was, have always been, am and will be your friend... could you believe it...? could you try to read , listen to what i said... try to understand... not to close everything thinking that it would hurt again.. could you...?

smile petal.. you look so beautiful when you smile... remember... ]]

..it pours.. it couldn't have gone worse.... i was sick.. but "3 weeks before the gig" i thought.. so all is gonna be fine, i thought..... and it seemed to clear out.. then sunday came... and i had fever.. and shivers.. my last week was meant to be hols.. my last days of annual leave entitlement.. spent in bed.. great last hols... but ok.. but ok... just get better and start rehearsing.... // now, i am seriously sick.. and have to be in the office.. my last week.... and the gig is approaching...and there is less hope that we..... so when it rains, it pours...it has been bad before..doctors wondering if i wake up etc.. and now you fought for two years.. for this one gig; and you lived your 27 years for this one MAN, worth of everything; a great kind man .. making you smile every time you see him...every time you think of his smiling face... the great MAN.... and now...he froze... he does not want to look back..... and so... when it rains, it pours... it fawking (thanks MAMA ) pours... like hell... like a shower someone left open just above your head... fawking pours.... and and and.. come on Petal.. come on... one more time.. like once you wrote in a song: "everyone has got their 100 %... and now is 300 or more.. but cut it down to sixty to make room for next.. and plenty after coma of sunshine.. " after it stops pouring...

a smiling drummer as well

thank you...

esp. now... you know...

(there was a private picture)

it's great to have you as a friend, dear Sasza

przepraszam!!!

mr drummer... a thoughtful drummer... a great drummer and a great friend

you want me to kill it...right?..i ask though i know YOU would never want it.. you used to repeat: you should know me by now... i do, i do.. dearest... but ..what am i suposed to do..? and sometimes i wonder: shall I just- do what you did?? - is this waht you did? - shall i just kill it.. and be numb as a nail... who can hurt, who cannot be hurt.. who does not want to feel.... but wouldn't I be again that precisely the dead flower you saved and turned into a rose..?? so what am i supposed to do? while you are killing everything in you.. or perhaps killed already... can IT be killed?... is there anything left in our hearts...? what am i supposed to do? not killing it means hurting ....happiness that you exist and pain that you feel hurt and went away.. because you did not want to see what i tried to explain.. you just shut and thought: "ok, this was a mistake, it is gonna only hurt me again, better to close it and never look back.. never look back" while one look at my face and what i tried to explain would make it clear that i never intended to hurt you/// but was scared to show that i care... was it what you thought? never look back....? and i am only the look back you are trying to avoid..? ...but in that case, am i supposed to kill it?... just to stop the pain for a sec... pain and joy... the peace and joy you give me..just because you are... just because you are.... but shall i make the impossible happen, and pay for it with my numbness and pain..change pain for pain... for the pain of numbness and sadness..... and numbness....is this what you wanna...dear? is this what you wanna...?

I know... it seems easier.... i forget you, you forget me...we go.. somewhere ...somehow....
but isn't it the worst possible option...? instead of keeping IT.. now when it would be so much stronger... because i learned you, and you learned me... and it is so much stronger......it seems easier Dear... but are you happy? is now making you happy..? would you give IT a chance to make you happy... anew... in present... with no past....

.....unless you are happy . fully happy now..... then... i am happy for you... as always....

... wondering... and again another important thought arrived: nothing new, and yet - it stroke again like a lightning... in the mist of missing you, dear...now, today, again, i do not belong(?)... we, us 4 ,at "home" we never did - lost children of a lost home... i kept fighting and smiling to fate saying NO; but it all took its toll, on you...when i belonged to you... / now i do not belong... No, not correct: i still, only to you.. only to myself and only to YOU.. but with you being gone..i do ..not... ?? .. belong.....

wandering on the streets of the lost city; the same distant and cold as all the others i have lived in... Poland, Germany, France, UK, where can I go? would it matter...because the only city i fit and matched like one spoon in the other spoon.. was you

....sleep well...MILY... ( i love this Polish word.. hope to show you one day day, in my eyes and in my hands, and in my smile, what it means...)

...take care,ok ?
dearest...the most manly MAN i v ever met and will meet...
take care, L...

.. have just become an auntie once again!! Little ANNA was 'supposed' to be born on 14th Sep; but.. i guess she is a bit like her auntie and wanted to get out and have fun as soon as possible so here she is!!
healthy and fit!! great! : : : ): : ): : : :

i got a call.. all is arranged, i am on annual leave, notice reduced, then just last week to say good bye, then m going.. ( to do the gig - can't cancel and go home for a while to say probably good bye to my grandma...,life goes away so suddenly, without a notice; and hello/bye or goodbye as well?.. to my mum.. before I end up somewhere..).. but i have a call - just to meet for breakfast meeting to hand over my reports... one of the 'sharks' - my vice-boss as i d call him, older only a few years... very nice chap.. and passionate about finance and what we, id est, they do... always telling me i am such a" quick learner and talented.. speak languages etc... and moved on within the company so quick.. " blah blah , sure.... but he was honest, he was really friendly... and now, i thought, just because i went onto the other side of the barricade.. his voice- wasn't it so chilly.??. and business like.. so we meet only for breakfast to do the hand over in one of these posh hotels where our people always stay at, all over Europe.. ( m gonna miss it..ha ha... though it was never TRULY my world.. they wanted me there, and i fit in, and i seemed to fit, almost perfectly, with French accent and sips of posh wine, and business is in my blood for sure... but now i said no... and que sera, sera, petal.. even if you end up on the street..).. and so his voice so chilly, i thought.. (??)

and then the warm open arms..
and yes, he is fascinated by what we.. correction - they do [ gets into blood, doesn't it.. you are a salesman for your lifetime haha..but mostly he was there to wish me luck, to tell me that i am damn "good and talented " ( big exxageration!! have to learn a huuuuuge lot esp in loving matter; that "they will always take me back, whatever country i end up in, i shall travel more, believe in myself, remember that i am good, and keep in touch...and take some time for myself 'coz life is short!"

the small little girl who became a strong woman got it a bit wrong again.. hehe he.. she knew it all along.. nothing is black and white, though finance world can be sharky you know.. you came here as a little white sheep, and quicly you had to learn to talk like sharks and be sharper and quicker than them... from sleeping on the floor and working 15 per day, remember petal...? talk like sharks... and close your eyes sometimes, close your ears.. and be a bit of a shark.. until you learned how to be PETAL, and live with them... and then you said NO...

because of the one you were waiting for all your life.. and 1000 years before...

you got stronger, you learned.. you got a bit of a prize..for your work..

and a big warm and honest! handshake! at the end... ( and 5 agents calling me with some weird jobs that if i am really on the street, i will take..)not bad... may even keep in touch with my vice-boss, for sure! he is, and has been , a great colleague whom I shall apologise for my suspiciousness

so... a week off, then last week.. then... we'll see...

but..

there's only one but, biggest one... you paid for it.. he paid for it... Dearest, i lost me, you know.. and all i ever would really fight for is you, not all that...take care, dearest, wherever you are...i will always... always be there...and always believe in you...

btw MAMA thought I have to tell you that:
I LV FLOWERS SOOOOO MUCH!! I COULD OPEN A FLOWER SHOP AND MAKE bouquets ALL THE TIME!
(though probably will have to get some office job this time.. 'for singing, for singing')

All my friends almost order mines WE HAVE TO OPEN A SHOP ONE DAY!!

and all my clothes.. - sometimes so utterly flowery.. - and when they cut wild flowers in my garden, i cried for an hour taking them in my hands and saying that "it was a cruel bloodshed... "

so.. anyone else opening our blog flower shop??

hmm...??

was a project manager and many other things once, so business plan shant be a problem and we have the Peasant to help us with growing and the natural cow-dropped 'sh**iticides' :-)

so... old job is going, new was asking me to start with them asap, any moment, as i wish, any days i like.. and now - yesterday the big boss of the new job, who was calling me many times ( used to work for them, wants me to be back...) said that the small local boss may not need me .. [shock].. so am jobless, possibly, and after the notice ( and asking me five times: "are you sure? we want you back any time / we'll take you back whatever country you end up in..").. nice..hope that shall happen indeed, when necessary, but now I am already AFTER the notice, so can't go back... will have to: learn more, sing more, and finally maybe (if i manage in 4 months), get a licence....keep working petal, keep working...

***********

you keep hoping.. you know that you love beyond belief.. for what he is, just as he is.. and you always will.. and as they said in one book " you have one LOVE, and that will do for a lifetime" , 'coz you do not want any other... you only want him to be ok; and you'll be fine petal.. you'll be fine... you keep hoping.. (that he's ok..) ...you learned and changed so much little rose, little star.. keep.. keep.. keep.. smiling...

so.. it has happened.. and que sera, sera....

now time to eat, and learn a lot! of things, a.o. ...driving licence

even though there will be almost no money; no more shoes on the pay day); no more cinema.. no - now : you need to learn! and learn! and sing!.

and...

...don't lose XXXX, petal... even though it seems lost... and this heart iced ...this heart - the one i would never let anyone!! hurt!!; the one i would always protect with my own...may the angels protect it...

..i know, dear, that it is tough to give a second chance... but...

would you ever pop in here, and read it..and try to trust.. to see me again..
take care, dearest..ok_ ?

....i said one thing, in stupidity, then apologised..i said i loved singing but was too scared to leave work and rely on gigs... i said i make deserts - when did you eat one?.. i said i love, and then hurt; i said i believe in all you do but said it only afterwards... AS IF i only said things to my friends when they say :enough... AS IF i kept changing my mind.. as if m words meant nothing.. so you stopped believing me...so you stopped.. i never did anything on purpose... i tried so hard to show that i do mean, that i do care, that i would always believe.. as i do,and always will, and always be there. but you stopped believing me..(??). and so if that is the case, if my words failed so miserably.. please just look into my eyes... and touch my hands... and check what i have already changed, and done... would you ever try to believe in my words again..? just touch mu hands, dear...

"i learned too late the heaven of your arms..
and fought too late, too much, too hard...
and knowing that
IT never ends,
i m happy, grateful when you smile..
little boy, where will we go?..." ©

i'll always be there for you, you wanna bet..?

:*

...i woke up.. thinking, remembering that day, when you froze,... last time ( remember? said you don;t but...) ; last time you offered help and smiled, and was soo.. so much you, like you are, so kind.. and i spat out a foolish sentence that all that it was ,was being like a kid.. as if you princelike gentlemanhood was being like a kid.... i spat out lies to.. to show you that i give you freedom.. whatever it was, it was so stupid.. and you froze, like on the first day i spat out this biggest lie that started it all.. and so you froze.. probably (consiously or not) thought that i would never change.. that it would never make sense.. and i tried to explain, but words are not actions... loving is not a thing of words.. but actions.. and so you froze; and are like ice now.. because you want to go, move on, be loved... and you do not believe i could..probably the same strong as i don;t believe i would ever love that strong.. anyone else.. even if you froze... and so i run away, for 4 days to see the sea.. to the place where i was just!! after we split... just after..if i had... if i could go there and move time back.. if i had known all that... had known what to do after my other visit there.. at the seaside... if i had known...in April... and so i run away.. loving means letting go.. the more you love, the more you let go... despite all.... so..so..though we all know i was never changed more, and never learned more, now you do not want to believe, and as a friend, I first and mostly respect it... because loving means...take care,ok?

so ,Dear London.... i started disliking you, ... (only) coz my life here was.. well we know: coming with nothing, working 12h per day or more : "for singing, for singing" and actually no singing at alll (at first); pretending i am so much interested in what i d never be interested ( "for singin, for singing"); coming back at 10 to wake up to work at 5; and i paid the price; US paid the price ( you paid the price, the highest ...= hurting you...since i was a - for the sake of brevity, let's call it only 'foolish' - a foolish friend); with lots of words and not many actions...(( yeah, a foolish friend...)) and so you London, remind me of all that, of the biggest miracle and adventure that changed me so much, from a frog to a princess, upside down, and yet, left - for the sake of brevity let us call it only 'missing' - left me soooo missing..and so... (je T'aime ...toujours..) .. but hey! there are stages here i have not sung at; there must be/ are!! corners i have not photographed; there must be tables i have not danced on; there must be trees i have not kissed under ; even if... even if.. even if.. let us turn words into actions!!!! i shall no longer say a word that will not be followed by an action... even if, even if.. all the fight will bring no victory... as we know may happen... as you London know may well happen..........going now, would be like giving up.. yes, i know: " i have to love myself"; and i do!! but precisely, you London know why and what it means for me now.. staying here... although my heart sometimes whines for abroad, and travelling and finally!! Buenos Aires (this has to wait since the buenos aires dream need an ingredient which i do not have ; though my limbs moan for a bit of Poland.. but only for some time..; we both, London know that it all would and does mean ... - nothing, in a way..; and going now would be like throwing in the towel; even if you are going to smack me with costs and lack of gigs, and most importantly - you know what..

and so, dear funny fast fu**ing fexciting London - shall we be friends?

ps. had my first session today; doing it for myself - to be a so much better friend!; doing it for US.. even if i don't know.. i fear to know... even if.... doing it for you, like i d always do, everything only for you... my dearest...what do you want me to do for you?...

"If he were a color
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual
If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango

But if here a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon
He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)
Said he means the world to me
Me me me yeah
He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he
He's a complicated melody
I almost can not sing it on key "

(India Arie i damn love you!)) when are we gigging t'gether? )

.....

...dear friend (yyhmm- this ONE ), could you.. ever... forget...
start anew..

:*

M

pissing.. like.... nowhere else... and me running home... in my new gold little sugar shoes...(and i used to hate gold!!

and in one pavement hole, one of them stuck... and my foot marched forward... and splashed in the next big paddle... cinderella left her shoe..for prince to pick up... at midnight ....for prince to come...

...but prince is gone.. and witch became a gentle princess (thnx to his miraculous love... ) too late... (??.. how can I stop questioning..?)...waited in sleep for thousand years (they say 27, but there must have been more, it feels like million lifetimes and i do not want another one without...) and now the prince ..is gone, somewhere.. while i was on my way to him...

::London... because i was running too much, and lost the sight of what was just in front of me ::

Dear L... = London (this time

i never was in love with you: business, people who only run and never smile to each other, ugliness of grey blocks of flats, danger of streets after.. 18 ( yeah, here it starts early); the "beauty" and "reliability" (aha.. of underground; running, running, running; and - first and mostly - costs! one month of living in a small room costs more.. than renting a 3 bedroom flat in the centre of Frankurt; yes -this big international city in Germany.... just to live, just to live and eat bread, i have to spend about 800 GBP;.. and the weather.. and... oh yes - i am not a chronic complainer no!!!!! and surely, there are great stuff about you: cinemas, and gigs, and musicians, etc etc.. and southbank; but you know well that NOW all it hurts like a sharpest knife stuck exactly where the softest parts of my heart are.. and we both know why; and revising for exams in April would be so much better and easier in Wroclaw.. beloved Wroclaw - with parks, and rivers, and my cat.. or Cracow with Tatra mountains!! and fields of gold; and air of relax... and YET- if I leave now, wouldn't it be like giving up? like leaving the battlefield.. even if all the soldiers are gone, and the treaty was signed, and there seems to be NO Chances for the victory... and yet, the petal soldier feels somehow shitty to go away..to throw in the towel... even if all the voices say : save yourself.., even if all the voices say: no chance, no chance..../ London, fu** yourself!!
it seems we will have to keep on liking each other... OR ???

..as the adds start annoying me... who makes it all up? i wrote about abroad, and music, and look at the banners below my lovely sunflowers: "wedding bands" or "music in Poland" or "Polish women for dating" hoo lala.. my inner fire starts burning... for all the wrong reasons: you cheeky little bast**** - don't you ever click on that one

( simply, email me - will be cheaper for both of us... )

****************

ps. and i wrote it... i did write this thing above... petal - pinch yourself.. good old monty python is waking up in you (read: good sign.. though... we all know, still LLL

so.. i am on sick leave, after another incident of collapsing ( petal - eat!!) trying to reorganize a lot of things....and move things forward in terms of singing and my album! yeah! songs have been waiting too long.. the choice seems pretty straightforward as i know well that life, harmony lessons, preparation ( in Sep 08 i definitely start an MA course in jazz, question is where???); recording!! and musicians are cheaper in the country I was born in; i.e. Poland... BUT. the choice has actually never been more difficult: after being here, in the lovely UK for so long, and coming here so often, I must admit that here means HOME as well... (my songs are mostly in English, and I guess my blood starts being slowly British as well and, as we know, some special people are here , and some special things are more important than others...... yeah... and! my musicians are here.. the Polish ones keep asking me : when will you come back?, while the UK ones ask me: when do we play our next gig? ... ( thank God for cheap flights and for two of my band members already saying YES to recording in PL; ...and so UK feels so homely now... + As you all know )- there are so many Poles in here that.. i never feel abroad here anymore.. actually miss it a lot...miss feeling abroad - and would so much love to finally go to my 'dreamed of' Buenos Aires, to Brussels, to New York.. to.. - in short = change!! travel! go!!!

but.. there are always buts.. if you want to study, you have to prepare;.. and special things also need your attention...

i should record, and I should learn; practise, practise practise, and..
thinking, thinking, thinking..

have to decide: shall I give London one more chance.. ?
despite the fact that a month of life here costs 4 months of doing nothing and singing in Poland? ....absolutely nothing!! (apart from eating great Polish food ) )

yet, something tells me i shan't go now..hm.. we'll see..

ciao!

so.....

no seeing again.. most probably..

so.. have to digest it..

so.. have to go away..

or go home (well. sort of; home was our place.. but there 's no us so..)
to have someone close... dear dear friends before i set off again..

argentina - hmm dream!!; will do, will do..

jazz school exams are in May.. so may have to stay in beautiful Poland until then, then... ??...

then...?

esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore... esc-ce que je vais Te voir encore...

stop! no more words; just do!
do do do do do do do until my life is thru! yeah
whatever you,friends need and want
( see 'what a fool I am nr 1)
ciao! )

Dear bloggers: i've decided (is it a good idea..?hmm) to allow myself to place a small 'personal ad')(simply because it 's really great to have a lot of people at your gig, oh yes!)
so If you like jazz…smooth delicate jazz, with a bit of scatting.. (only a bit of..), and great!band! & you happen to live in London; then – I hope to see you at my gig on 15th Sep 07, @ 8.00 pm; at POSK in Hammersmith (http://www.jazzcafeposk.co.uk/)

Hope to see ya there!

ciao

M

...again and again...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zc13fM01dc&mode=related&search=

(((miss you...))) i haven't said anything..

killing it is not an option...is iT? tell me how then, wise man )
come on, petal...hey! just live enjoy all these fantabulous things life is! so simple!!!you can do it!

L, just pls ...be happy, ok?

yours - i guess it just stays like that...

...so.. smiling...

...
...

Jesus Christ! (excuse me Jesus .. no more !! words, words, words, words….. too many too many too many…

You know all that …and I know more than enough that there is, there was, and there will be nothing more to be said than:

“ Hi, I’m sorry.. I’ve changed, though am still the same friend and woman you knew. You’re a nice person and a good friend, & I ‘m your friend; take care and take it easy :) “ – is there ?

I should have never said anything more…

Oh yes, there are millions songs and poems about love… and love is indeed worth all that; and a Friend is indeed worth all that, and more…and you are and my other friends are worth a lot…

But……

The only thing I would want is a nice friendly quiet walk..  and smile 

And enjoy a friendly walk…

and doing nothing and all....

and laughing about nothing and all...

No more…

You know all that, all that …. You know.. and you don’t need it; we don’t need it..explanations, etc etc...

do you..?

All we need to know is:

I am and I’ll be there for you. Take it easy, Lee  and take care!

I miss you, dude..

so... shall I start a proper blog…...?

oh petal... what on earth have you been doing!!! ))

Hi,

hope you're ok...

long ago, I was thinking of one day singing you that...

so happily...

so merrily

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IdedKhYqf0

so joyfully... only for you...

dear friend... of silk voice and velvet hands...

i still smile so much thinking of you..

i hope you smile thinking of me, and of us.. but not with that smile of looking at a little girl...giving flowers and crying..

no... smiling thinking of a woman you fell in love with...

a woman i am...

this smiling woman... being sometimes too strong... and discussing fiercely some topics with you... and yet, delicate...
but in the most womanly sense....

just that....

...

...sometimes i listen to..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT9jrPbZ5ug&mode=related&search=

though I have nothing to forgive you.. it was me who unawarely hurt... oh, and was so foolish...like a girl... and so 'pushy' as if i wanted to imprison you...brr - i dread to think about that....

i laugh and get angry...

well... the point is i got back to norm, changed and ...

but....

...
but...

...no...I have nothing to forgive you... only thank you for your love.. that changed me so much... and pray for your happiness..until my life is thru... and hope you will be happy... "even if...even if..."

even if..? do you..?

even if... ?

how to grasp it?

and what was the 'me' that you loved...?

what part ..?

all../

once you said, it was all, and you could not definte what was 'wrong' and did not want to tell me why ( despite my stupid girlish asking,.... saying only that ' i am as i am and we love me for what i am'....

so...

was it the girly smile and hug..?

or the womanly love...

?...

and where did we lose it..

did we?

did i ?

did you...

...
i know that love never ends...

i know...

and .. i would never idealise you....love and friendship is not about caring about someone ideal... ( i know, it so obvious that i almost feel embarassed to write it here... ... no....

and you are not ideal....

though you are a great friend...

so where did we lose it?

did we...?

did we....?

because it never ends.. i know...

and so , take care, friend... ok ?

??...

your m.

...somewhere between time and space.. I am still wondering...

I did all to make you stop loving me... BUT if I could again, come in to that restaurant.. in that black and white dress... so almost saint to me now.. this flowery dress i bought in October... before knowing you.. and i bought it before my meeting with someone whom I will not contact perhaps for the same reasons why you are not going to contact me ( because i behaved so foolishly... ).. if I could come in to that place again.. or rather,. if you could open your heart to me.. just SEE me. .as i am.. so changed and new...would you ever like to try to see me....is it possible to fall in love.. ( what a nice English expression - Fall into Love's arms... ) again... would you ever...? just to see and see what is happening.. as if nothing had happened.. as if you had never met me before... could you meet me and look at me as if you had never met me before... ?.. is there anything left .. in your heart.. after my words hurt.. and my behaviour discouraged...

is there anything left.... or.. ?

when i saw you last time you only said that there is no need to write anything'; so disinterested you seemed... and my words seemed so unimportant.. and i know it is all due to what happened.... whether consciously or not, people close their hearts to those who hurt... you loved me so much... you gave me so much...and it must have hurt you...

wondering..

will i ever see you...? will you ever want to look into my eyes again.. like on that November evening.. me in my white dress.. dress with flowers... me smiling and singing 'body and soul'.... singing unconsiously only for you,.. like all the songs i have ever sung and will ever sing.. only for you...

wondering...

would you ever want to try to open it up again.. to the person that you got to know from a bad side.. would you ever try to belive that people can change... retaining the same part of me that you fell in love with...

or only the part you wanted to be friends with....

wondering...

God, you know i am wondering...

....wondering...

You are the promised kiss of springtime
That makes the lonely winter seem long.
You are the breathless hush of evening
That trembles on the brink of a lovely song.
You are the angel glow that lights a star,
The dearest things I know are what you are.

(wondering...)

Some day my happy arms will hold you,
And some day I’ll know that moment divine,
When all the things you are, are mine....

I would never call you ' mine ' ... you are yours.. and if only i could be your friend, and make you happy... that is what I would want...

to be yours.. but not you, to be mine.. like a possession.. that was my mistake.. i did not set you free; i did not respect a friend i had...

dear friend... i only want you to be happy, remember?

wondering....

if ever i shall meet you again in this dress on a November evening....

would you like to ?

wherever you will be.. wherever i will be...

what ever crossraods you will come to... and whatever path you will follow...

"just call my name; and i'll be there"...

...

Dear L..
dear friend... what a fool I am!!

what a fool )

hahhhaa!! seriously... foolish to the tenth power )

)

so so foolish..

so much here about "my love.." etc etc...

about me.. again... forgive me friend.

but .. not much about you.. and your love... and what you want..

and you don't want it - so, i am your friend, and.. i do not want it either! as simple as that ))

what a fool of me.. what a fool...what a fool... again ... ))

i understood, and learned.... but still lost it...wrote you an email when you do not want to hear from me for a while.. as if.. as if.... what a fool of me... and i did not write this most important part of it all here... what LOVE / Friendship is all about.... i hope you would read it now. i hope you haven't had a chance to look at it still.. this most important part...... this is you... YOU.. LOVE means YOU, Friendship means a Friend; not me... not my "pain".. sorrow sadness sometimes... this all does not matter.. does not matter so much.... because if you were not happy with me.. than we shall never be together..FULL Stop!! )

because the first thing, as your friend, i want is you to be happy.. if i ever dared!! to suggest us.. thinking of us.. it is because i allowed myself to belive that Maya i became / when i came back to norm.. that this person is someone you would be happy with ... that she would be able to make you happy..knowing a little bit about you, and about me.. i allowed myself think that that all would make you happy.. because of all the similarities we shared.... and if i write here: " i wonder if you ever".. it means seeing if that could make you happy...

because all i would wish for is you to be happy..

such a fool.. such a fool.... this is what this blog is about.. this is only what matters... you always thought about me...

and you taught me LOVE - thinking always about you...

Dearest friend- please sing... fight for your dreams.. love...

be happy, friend!

the only thing that matters, the only that this blog and ALL my emails are about is LOVE - i.e. people I love.. not me!!

I will disappear... ( in shame )

just be happy, ok ...?

What a fool i was... what a fool..

but though i am foolish, and learning it all... i am your friend..

i hope i can still catch up

be happy, dear Friend!

M (little foolish petal today .. )

... and again.. it is coming to me.. all these moment when we were'together' but - i was never there..i was worried about you, but not there for you! I was a fool.... and not sure.. and so i was not with you... and it saddens me that i was almost never FULLY there for you, as a friend.... i was so lost in myself.. sometimes so selfish and closed, and talking.. and you so giving.. listenning, hugging, calling back..always there..... a good friend! and yet, i was worrying all the time about you, thinking of ' not hurting you' and yet... i was.. so lost .. lost ..lost... shivers going thru my spine.. and sigh of relief that this time has passed... the time when i was so selfish and not myself... and yet, that was the most blessed time of my life.. unaware... because that was time with you... and you were always there,, giving and giving and listening.... with almost no space for you.. and now... there is only you .... and me.. - i am so changed...and that time of being lost... how much i would like to have a second of that time now... just know that you are still open to a thought that perhaps... just try... just giving a try... and being friends.. ( although this friend of yours was foolish indeed...)

i wonder.. would we ever... meet again..?

would you.. would me....?

God... please take good care of him and protect him every second...

... i am there... ' i'll be there for you...i am a friend... ( well.. trying... sometimes being so foolish .. ))

take care dear

how blessed i am to have met you.... and to have my dear friends... despite me being so foolish sometimes... )

dearest..

do you remember the first note you sent me.. with flowers?

" i could send hundreds but they would pale in comparison"..

i have seen thousands of men.. and i fell in love .. ....but it all pales in comparison... will always pale .. in comparison to the joy that life brings when one can be your friend.. and your girlfriend...

take care dearest...

your friend..

m

.....

......

kocham Cie..

thank you

m

take care dearest...

ok ?

you made me the best i ever was, the best i ever could be.. the most delicate and the most loving... the most giving... just like a diamond rose... thank you...

take care, ok ?

your -

.....I was so childish.. and delicate : 'petal' indeed...,not a rose... but 'tiny petal'.....

i was so childish and knew so little.. and lost it all, and behaved so foolishly.... so foolishly...

i wish you could.... see one day...
i wonder..

I wish....

"....

Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that now for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time never really is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,
For love,
For love,
For love"

..

will you ever try to belive that all that has changed me so much.. taught me love... and brought me to maya...?

will you ever want to ....

....?

...

zawsze czekam... i nigdy nie bedzie za pozno... tylko sie odezwij.. i uwazaj na siebie, najmilszy... najmilszy.. najmilszy... i jedyny...

"....

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again

And I wonder
What's in a day
What's in you cake this time

I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my hearts been hard to find

Here there must be something
Here there must be something here here

Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind
I know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time

Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again

And I wonder
If he's ok
If you see him say hi"

...

"....So this is goodbye
So this is how you say it
These are the words It's the
voice you're using
It's the picture you've seen
So this is goodbye
So this is how you say it
This is the time it takes you
It didn't take you a lot now did it?
It didn't hurt you a lot now did it?
So this is goodbye
So this is how you spell it
Where you place it in your mouth
What happens if I didn't hear you?
What happens if it wasn't serious?

Well I was around
Maybe it was you I came to see
Maybe it was you who invited me
I remember your eyes were on me
I remember your eyes were on me
Goodbye
??????"

and you probably now... only , quoting you. are "saddened by the fact that it TAKES ME TIME to move on..\" move on ? - no, dear.. that is not a problem.. i did move on, and learned and changed, and become happier and fuller... \BUT .. how can you kill love? why should you? how could one try to stop such a great gift and miracle....

and so...

so this was goodbye?
???

???

???

???....

AND SO.... we spent some time together, some time ago... I thought so much of you...you thought of me, you loved...then i behaved so foolishly. and hurt, and said too much, oh my God - so much too much (m still laughing at that, and how lost i was).... and then all that happened. time passed and passes, you are probably with someone, ( and i am happy if you are happy) ; someone who cares and is strong and free.... and I am here... and yet I ....still love you ... and since i am not a teenager, these words are so much deeper...and so much true.. . AND yet,... we may never "meet again on this bumpy road to love... yet i will always always have the memory of ... all that"... and all i am left with is that - a big gift and miracle: my life... so i am here - to simply just live, smile, keep 'fighting' ... keep living and smiling.. and singing... having that strength that it all brought back to me, gave me.. and love for myself... all that you DID have when i met you : you were always stronger than me.. and I was so wrong.. thinking you were a "little boy who needed me"; while you knew what you wanted all along., and you knew what love is for you....and i behaved AS IF.... and so now , i live having all that strength... AND YET: ...how could one forget you? you know that so well: how could one forget a man of velvet palms and silk voice and face of a beautiful boy ; how ? so,I keep on being happy and doing all the things i love, and all is ok, and great... AND YET....

I KNOW.. it sounds like a title of a cheap american comedy.. or a line from a sitcom... i wish it was.. and yet, that is true.. we both know it.. you know i love you, i know you care... but i hurt you, unaware, and you decided you have to go... and now it seems you build already something new with someone new... and i am the one that misses, cares.. and will miss,worry, care, and support you in all : like in this beautiful song" I ll be there" by Jackson 5..... and it will go on and on, until...? until the end of the world? perhaps.. very probably.. since that is what Love is... love means always.. even if we know that we somehow have to "stop" and live.. and so I walk around the house trying to force myself to stop thinking of you, and repeating: you have to , you have to... you have to - live, let go.. let go.. you have to .. you have to.., just live and stop thinking, stop loving?

que sera, sera.. que sera, sera....

que sera, sera...

I wish you were a "bastard.. immature, irresponsible, stupid.." ' not worth me' ( what a cliche phrase).. but ... it was me - i behaved so childishly immature, and foolish, and broke every single word.. syainf i am strong and being weak... with my little gestures of a hurt child.. like sending you back your email..... i wish you were the childish part...but you are kind and good, and strong, and mature.... and i returned to norm after getting lost.. ((I LEARNED TO LOVE... SO SLOWLY.. BUT I AM GETTING THERE.. WISH YOU COULD FEEL IT...))...and see it too well....were you stronger than me? perhaps... you were always ahead.. like when you started loving me and giving me all your world.. when my time was so hectic that i could not see it... and then i saw.. that 27 years i was waiting for something, looking for something. only to have found so much more in you ... and now ...?...

take care, dear... smile ... , sing, believe.. and if something happens - you know that i am always with you...

always smiling... for you!

always loving.... always for you, and fighting for you, and always supporting you...

ciao!

bye.. how shall i say it?....

que sera, sera???
...

I...

your

M

why...

why do we have to pass by each other like lost blind passerbyes on a street?..why did you love so deeply and i hurt you, unaware, for me now loving you more than..., and you, sometimes unawarely hurting me.. because you now 'need' to feel 'important and manly...'??? //or perhaps i hurt so much that you need to hurt me in revenge...?? ( unaware, because i know you would never hurton purpose ) to balance things.. and so i have to fly away miles from here.. because now you 'need' to push me away... as a 'revenge' for me not appreciating you...? why we have to miss one another only to find us later? why people cannot just stop for a second and see that what they have in front of their eyes is the biggest miracle given by someone above.. why you have to hurt me now so much that i do not know whether i still exist... and yet, I still love you more than i could ever imagine loving anyone... why do we have to be like lost drifters.. why...?

yes.. i know.. it all sounds as if i was a mad teenager.. but.. isn't life great when you are mad like that? especially when you are an adult and your madness is serious, and deep... like the sea...

so.. i may be stupid.. and foolish.. and whatever you want to call me... but i know, yes.. i knew and know in every second - as much as I know that i may never see him again, the ONE whom I hurt so much... - so I know again,and again, and again - i know it in every second and feel it in every particle of my body.. that I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU....

...will you ever want to forgive me.. L..?

will you ever try to trust me again....

.... life is so great just to think that you are on this world....

(( and you ,readers.. call me all the names: call me childish, stupid, fool... but.. I simply love him, so what can I do? ...

please dearest take care... if you do not want to see me again, that is all fine.. just please take care, ok ... :-)

...and so.. the letter is almost finished.. as if it could change anything..and we all know it can't... but i know that for sure it all changed me immensely... was it all needed to change NOT for you.?.. so that having finally fully become myself i am now ready to meet the other half of myself...but how would it be? if i know so surely that the half was already met..? so was this change necessary to be able to be the half for someone i still miss so deeply, so inside me, in the deepest corners of my heart... as if not only half of me, but whole of me was missing....wait.. live... wait.. enjoy ....live.... .and que sera sera...live maya, live... you are so delicate...and you were such a little girl... and you are back.... and it is sometimes so hard to live knowing what you did... unawarely.... so so so foolish... little girl.. 'tiny petal' who became a rose.... live petal, live...

so... the letter is being written.. the date is set.. and sometimes, my patience is running away.. and i have had enough of all that.. but i know, yes, dear tiny m - you do know that if IT is IT, it is worth even longer wait... and now, when my back decides to wake up and start its yearly crisis of pain and disabling my legs from moving, i get annoyed by almost everything, the more annoyed that i know that all i have to do is.. live :-)) and smile, and keep fighting.. with back, with my impatience.. with being annoyed... give myself a chance... just live.. just live.. oh back, please - give me a break! brain - please - give me a greak!! one break ok ??...

... it was meant to be my letter to ... we all know who ... we ll see what will come out of it :°))) in any case ... hope u ll enjoy reading it ) ' take it easy ' as they tell me , take it easy dude ))