i tried.. to stop. to survive, to forget etc...

this is just too much....and i am going to come thru undone...i am undone... there is not me anymore is there...?

Take care, dear L...

"...Never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

Ohhh and then
For the times when we're apart
Well just close your eyes and know
These words are comming from my heart
And then if you can't remember....Ohhhhh..."

Dear Mr Michael Buble,

Personally, I deeply believe that as a crooner, you have little chances to remain popular, once a certain singer called L.E. hits the stages over the world and charms your fans with his deep and amazing voice, and his class... yet! i have to admit, your version of this song touched me...and so I put it on here, I sing it along with you, dedicating it to someone very special...much more than that...the only person that i could ever dedicate this song to...who always will be special; now, when I know what 'always' means. ALWAYS... no matter how cheesy it may sound... ALWAYS.

best!

Petal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhzH-8JpSDY&mode=related&search=

"...Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind..."

wow... lots to do now.. then a month in Peru in December ( or - that is the question... we'll see) , most probably - to learn a lot about myself, and be a better friend to all cement what I have learned.

after reading, and learning a lot now...

and in the mean time - start a course of Spanish, get a driving course, record demo, start lessons, continue excercises, sing! sing!...but most of all - just be better yes! lots of work i better start nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

kirky as soon as I get something recorded, i will upload it here ( if i may, without getting PRO ) as promissed

and, since i hope to get new gigs in london very soon, I hope one day you all will pop in and listen live

Petal

thank you all.... for ALL...

what else could i say? for now.. nothing more...

BIG THANK YOU... for your wishes.. and for all...

nothing more...

oh - the gig?...

WELL.. i guess... it went absolutely great....

i mean we had some small mistakes.. but no one noticed.... and the audience had fun.. so in total, as a first one, after 2 rehearsals, i guess it was ok....

though the most expected guest did not show up... so i sang my heart out...

waiting.. still waiting.. could he come for one song? for one note..?....all tunes sang especially for him...only for him... all were and are and will be for him....all are about him...

in Polish we have a proverb: "when titanic was sinking, the orchestra played at full blast" meaning - even if you're going, go with style, with honour...

so i sang so deeply... and so truely...i guess audience could feel it as they swarmed me with flowers and congrats... and they seemed to feel it as well... and cry as well in some moment... and only two friends knew why all i sang was so real....

why the notes were so touching.. and so amazingly deep....

singing means feeling.. you cannot hide..i mean, if you hide in singing, it sounds only ok... only barely ok... nothing special.... singing is feeling....

that is why i love it - i don't have to hide...

they called me petal as i could feel the whisper of wind..and see the shaeds of sadness and pain in a face of a stranger... and when faced with beggars on the street, i could stop and cry... with anger that i can;t do much more...

(( then i learned being very strong...."assertive" , normal... not a delicate poet... normal... as you cannot go thru the world being petal. you are petal only for this ONE..

i was Petal for him..he BROUGHT ME BACK... but i was scared to be myself... trying to show that or that,trying to explain instead of LETTING THINGS BE... . JUST BE.. PETAL, FOR MY DEAREST ...a true MAN.. a great MAN... with heart that is gentle and kind..... i am petal for him..only for him... .. but when he came, i was a stupid strong pretending idiot....LOST.. not seeing anything... worried i would hurt this delicate flower... when i leave.. the flower i do not need.. while... he was all i waited for... and he brought me back... ))

singing is feeling... it always saved me...

when things went terribly wrong.. with family, with health.. singing was my anchor...

because i hoped.... that...

i could hope... and i feel i can;t anymore...sorry...

you may think i am too delicate, and "all will be ok"...

well.. i hope you can understand that when THIS love comes, you know it is the ONE... and nothing will be like THIS ONE..

so the gig was great.... Radio could not record but some local Polish TV came with an interview... i was knackered... 3 hours rehearsal, 3 hours gig....but, as an ex actress, i was performing - smiling, thanking for congrats, for the cameras, for the audience.. genuinly thanking them for being there...( at first there were only 10 people as a major cabaret group, famous in Poland , had their show upstairs in the same time, so we had to wait and thouhgt no one would come to listen to us... but they did... a lot of them.....though we started like john coltrane : playing for 5 people.. well - I don'tmind being like John C ... so..

i kept thinking that if he came, i would sing for 1 person.... as happy as a larry.... but.....

but...

so it went ok...

i had a band of my dreams.. seriously... god damn - they were amazing.,.. sax, trumpet, keys, bass, and drums.... playing like biggest stars... despite the fact that we only met twice...and had to communicate on the stage sometimes lost in tunes..... but we all wanted to save it... and we did it...

we did it...

but there are some other things in this life that matter...

matter more...

sh**... they do matter more..so much more... so much more... that the others mean nothing...

nothing at all...

when we were together i was afraid it may hurt him that i love music so much...

only later i realised i love him MORE... but i did not know how... completely did not know how... so he got no love from me... i am only learning... how to love... how to love...#
i knew nothing....not aware of it, but i could not... give love... i realised i want to try too late...

too late

too late...

so...

he said he may come..

but i guess he realised i care..after the voicemail... so he didn't...

honest man - not to give me hope... so i don't have hope... for nothing....

he didn't .....

thank you! all best...

thank you so much!

that's all i can say...

i hate Petal when she is like that.... My name is Maya - i was called like that as i always resembled a famous cartoon character: MAYA THE BEE :always joyful, full of energy, ideas, having fun.. making the most of all... this is not Maya... Maya is gone somewhere far.....

she always loved life.. she defied doctors.. because she loved living and travelling and languages, and living,... and she always hoped... that one day she will find the one she would love so much...

and she was right... she did...

and she is so angry she makes her friends sad... she really hates it....

but also, she is so tired... of carring it all... and having no hope... left...

she worked so hard... and had hope..

yes, i was still having hope...

when i met him, he smiled... straight away.. and let me kiss his cheeks 4 times.. and did not let wipe the lipstick..... and asked about the address of the venue..but then i left a voicemail.. and i guess he realised i still ..i still. i always will..

so he didn;t come..

all my friends were there..

and for them, I smiled.. and sang so well.. despite all...

for them i was in my best dress.. and smiling....

for them i did this stupid TV interview...

for them i kept trying.. for them , meaning for you - MY FRIENDS...

for you, i sang like never before... saving every note despite being so tired... only breakfast than 7 hours ... and nothing to eat, and greet the audience, and making sure the band is happy and buy food fot them and keep them happy... and greet the audience...

but i did it...

but deep inside..i knew i know...

you areso great, my friends.. and my dear 2 sisters....

but the pain is pain... deep inside...

and i want someone to let me rest... to stop feeling this pain for a sec.. for a moment...

and i hv had enough of this sad Petal...

and nothing, no one can bring the true one .... (it looks as if)there is no God. no hope... everything is finished...not true, i know.. but it felt like that.,...

only me, and him... could bring it back.. i always did.. as i knew what i am fighting for:

FOR LOVE...

but now..

so i ... i do what i do best - i feel...and i sing for you now,,... as deeply as i can... like yesterday:

asking you to excuse me... to forgive..

the true joyful petal that kept being so happy all her life, asks you to .. forgive..

and so i just sing, especially for you:

with all my heart... as great as i can...

for you:

You don't know what love is
‘Til you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is

Dont explain

or actually, the first song i ever sang.... my dearest.... the first one... sang in the bathroom of a friend who happened to be a composer and made me sing it to the mike...and i fought for singing so that i could one day sing it for my MAN.. i smiled thinking one day i would meet him...

now i shall not sing it again...but here for you, last time:

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth
For here you are standing there loving me, whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.

i must have done something bad.. in my other lives.. i don't know.. i tried to be a good person..so hard, always.. kind and good.. and always to protect him... always thinking whether he could be hurt if i leave.... but i must have done something bad...i guess... something i shall never redeem.. something i will pay for until the end.....and so i only want a rest...for a sec....

thank you!!

smiling... i love smiling...

so - somehow... not knowing how.. because there is .. how could i smile?

ok.. for my little brother.. for my friends... just to make them happy...

so, 1,2,3 ...

here we go..:

even if there was a tear somewhere.. in the corner of the eye...

coz love = for them....

so i am smiling at full blast again...

ciao!

Petal

Dear All,

After a damn annoying laringitis, i can proudly say that on Sat I will be playing my first big gig in london!! that will be partly recorded by a radio [wow]... www.orla.fm

I hope to have you all there!! please come along and bring your friends!!

my heart will be so happy to sing for you.... as singing is all about sharing...

Sat 15th Sep start at 20:00
in Jazz Cafe POSK

238-246 King Street, Hammersmith, London W6 0RF

thank you all! it all happened thanks to you holding my hand where times are tough....

[heart] for you!

petal

"...Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. ..."

i am always there for you...and always your friend.

smile, please ..

you are so beautifl, L... esp. when you smile. 'coz one can see your heart when you smile.. and it is so beautiful.. i hope you will never forget how beautiful your heart is.

take care...

..

i know.. we all like the smiling painting nail-girl... but not today...this is just like me photographed from the profile.. so...

(( darling, it never was that bad, so it has to be better, uhm..?))

so -

[[come on...petal.. it was bad....not worse because you never were that happy by loving someone... and that sad by the fact that your inability to show it . to LOVE (you thought you loved but you had to learn it) destroyed a lot... and a good friend decided to go... but..it was bad.... and you got strong... and now you are stronger... because you know you do not want to lose the love and be stronger at the cost of it... so although it may hurt more, you will go thru it.. you will.. you have to be YOU- strong.. for both of you (if there were both...is there? isn't there...?); for your friends.. you have to you know that stronger and stronger.. and he loved you for that as welll... and NOW, you know you cannot lose the love... just be strong... it hurts more.. but is worth so much more... so come on petal... keep fighting.. come on... darling... sweetie..remember when you were called sweetie... just keep going.. keep going..
petal... keep going....

smile petal.. you look so beautiful when you smile... remember... ]]

..it pours.. it couldn't have gone worse.... i was sick.. but "3 weeks before the gig" i thought.. so all is gonna be fine, i thought..... and it seemed to clear out.. then sunday came... and i had fever.. and shivers.. my last week was meant to be hols.. my last days of annual leave entitlement.. spent in bed.. great last hols... but ok.. but ok... just get better and start rehearsing.... // now, i am seriously sick.. and have to be in the office.. my last week.... and the gig is approaching...and there is less hope that we..... so when it rains, it pours...it has been bad before..doctors wondering if i wake up etc.. and now you fought for two years.. for this one gig; and you lived your 27 years for this one MAN, worth of everything; a great kind man .. making you smile every time you see him...every time you think of his smiling face... the great MAN.... and now...he froze... he does not want to look back..... and so... when it rains, it pours... it fawking (thanks MAMA ) pours... like hell... like a shower someone left open just above your head... fawking pours.... and and and.. come on Petal.. come on... one more time.. like once you wrote in a song: "everyone has got their 100 %... and now is 300 or more.. but cut it down to sixty to make room for next.. and plenty after coma of sunshine.. " after it stops pouring...

a smiling drummer as well

thank you...

esp. now... you know...

(there was a private picture)

it's great to have you as a friend, dear Sasza

przepraszam!!!

mr drummer... a thoughtful drummer... a great drummer and a great friend

you want me to kill it...right?..i ask though i know YOU would never want it.. you used to repeat: you should know me by now... i do, i do.. dearest... but ..what am i suposed to do..? and sometimes i wonder: shall I just- do what you did?? - is this waht you did? - shall i just kill it.. and be numb as a nail... who can hurt, who cannot be hurt.. who does not want to feel.... but wouldn't I be again that precisely the dead flower you saved and turned into a rose..?? so what am i supposed to do? while you are killing everything in you.. or perhaps killed already... can IT be killed?... is there anything left in our hearts...? what am i supposed to do? not killing it means hurting ....happiness that you exist and pain that you feel hurt and went away.. because you did not want to see what i tried to explain.. you just shut and thought: "ok, this was a mistake, it is gonna only hurt me again, better to close it and never look back.. never look back" while one look at my face and what i tried to explain would make it clear that i never intended to hurt you/// but was scared to show that i care... was it what you thought? never look back....? and i am only the look back you are trying to avoid..? ...but in that case, am i supposed to kill it?... just to stop the pain for a sec... pain and joy... the peace and joy you give me..just because you are... just because you are.... but shall i make the impossible happen, and pay for it with my numbness and pain..change pain for pain... for the pain of numbness and sadness..... and numbness....is this what you wanna...dear? is this what you wanna...?

I know... it seems easier.... i forget you, you forget me...we go.. somewhere ...somehow....
but isn't it the worst possible option...? instead of keeping IT.. now when it would be so much stronger... because i learned you, and you learned me... and it is so much stronger......it seems easier Dear... but are you happy? is now making you happy..? would you give IT a chance to make you happy... anew... in present... with no past....

.....unless you are happy . fully happy now..... then... i am happy for you... as always....

... wondering... and again another important thought arrived: nothing new, and yet - it stroke again like a lightning... in the mist of missing you, dear...now, today, again, i do not belong(?)... we, us 4 ,at "home" we never did - lost children of a lost home... i kept fighting and smiling to fate saying NO; but it all took its toll, on you...when i belonged to you... / now i do not belong... No, not correct: i still, only to you.. only to myself and only to YOU.. but with you being gone..i do ..not... ?? .. belong.....

...take care,ok ?
dearest...the most manly MAN i v ever met and will meet...
take care, L...

.. have just become an auntie once again!! Little ANNA was 'supposed' to be born on 14th Sep; but.. i guess she is a bit like her auntie and wanted to get out and have fun as soon as possible so here she is!!
healthy and fit!! great! :D ::D :D :D :D ::D :D :D :D: )::D :D:D :D: )::D :D :D :D ::D :D :D :D ::D :D:D :D ::D :D :D

Dearest L... I hope you're well.... i was thinking of you ... no,Dear - i do not live in the past.. - no, this is present... and, present, among others means that...that there was no one, and there won't be anyone else.... than you.....and i am not going to look for anyone..... just live... sometimes in rain, sometimes in sun...

i got a call.. all is arranged, i am on annual leave, notice reduced, then just last week to say good bye, then m going.. ( to do the gig - can't cancel and go home for a while to say probably good bye to my grandma...,life goes away so suddenly, without a notice; and hello/bye or goodbye as well?.. to my mum.. before I end up somewhere..).. but i have a call - just to meet for breakfast meeting to hand over my reports... one of the 'sharks' - my vice-boss as i d call him, older only a few years... very nice chap.. and passionate about finance and what we, id est, they do... always telling me i am such a" quick learner and talented.. speak languages etc... and moved on within the company so quick.. " blah blah , sure.... but he was honest, he was really friendly... and now, i thought, just because i went onto the other side of the barricade.. his voice- wasn't it so chilly.??. and business like.. so we meet only for breakfast to do the hand over in one of these posh hotels where our people always stay at, all over Europe.. ( m gonna miss it..ha ha... though it was never TRULY my world.. they wanted me there, and i fit in, and i seemed to fit, almost perfectly, with French accent and sips of posh wine, and business is in my blood for sure... but now i said no... and que sera, sera, petal.. even if you end up on the street..).. and so his voice so chilly, i thought.. (??)

and then the warm open arms..
and yes, he is fascinated by what we.. correction - they do [ gets into blood, doesn't it.. you are a salesman for your lifetime haha..but mostly he was there to wish me luck, to tell me that i am damn "good and talented " ( big exxageration!! have to learn a huuuuuge lot esp in loving matter; that "they will always take me back, whatever country i end up in, i shall travel more, believe in myself, remember that i am good, and keep in touch...and take some time for myself 'coz life is short!"

the small little girl who became a strong woman got it a bit wrong again.. hehe he.. she knew it all along.. nothing is black and white, though finance world can be sharky you know.. you came here as a little white sheep, and quicly you had to learn to talk like sharks and be sharper and quicker than them... from sleeping on the floor and working 15 per day, remember petal...? talk like sharks... and close your eyes sometimes, close your ears.. and be a bit of a shark.. until you learned how to be PETAL, and live with them... and then you said NO...

because of the one you were waiting for all your life.. and 1000 years before...

you got stronger, you learned.. you got a bit of a prize..for your work..

and a big warm and honest! handshake! at the end... ( and 5 agents calling me with some weird jobs that if i am really on the street, i will take..)not bad... may even keep in touch with my vice-boss, for sure! he is, and has been , a great colleague whom I shall apologise for my suspiciousness

so... a week off, then last week.. then... we'll see...

but..

there's only one but, biggest one... you paid for it.. he paid for it... Dearest, i lost me, you know.. and all i ever would really fight for is you, not all that...take care, dearest, wherever you are...i will always... always be there...and always believe in you...

btw MAMA thought I have to tell you that:
I LV FLOWERS SOOOOO MUCH!! I COULD OPEN A FLOWER SHOP AND MAKE bouquets ALL THE TIME!
(though probably will have to get some office job this time.. 'for singing, for singing')

All my friends almost order mines WE HAVE TO OPEN A SHOP ONE DAY!!

and all my clothes.. - sometimes so utterly flowery.. - and when they cut wild flowers in my garden, i cried for an hour taking them in my hands and saying that "it was a cruel bloodshed... "

so.. anyone else opening our blog flower shop??

hmm...??

was a project manager and many other things once, so business plan shant be a problem and we have the Peasant to help us with growing and the natural cow-dropped 'sh**iticides' :-)

so... old job is going, new was asking me to start with them asap, any moment, as i wish, any days i like.. and now - yesterday the big boss of the new job, who was calling me many times ( used to work for them, wants me to be back...) said that the small local boss may not need me .. [shock].. so am jobless, possibly, and after the notice ( and asking me five times: "are you sure? we want you back any time / we'll take you back whatever country you end up in..").. nice..hope that shall happen indeed, when necessary, but now I am already AFTER the notice, so can't go back... will have to: learn more, sing more, and finally maybe (if i manage in 4 months), get a licence....keep working petal, keep working...

***********

you keep hoping.. you know that you love beyond belief.. for what he is, just as he is.. and you always will.. and as they said in one book " you have one LOVE, and that will do for a lifetime" , 'coz you do not want any other... you only want him to be ok; and you'll be fine petal.. you'll be fine... you keep hoping.. (that he's ok..) ...you learned and changed so much little rose, little star.. keep.. keep.. keep.. smiling...

so.. it has happened.. and que sera, sera....

now time to eat, and learn a lot! of things, a.o. ...driving licence

even though there will be almost no money; no more shoes on the pay day); no more cinema.. no - now : you need to learn! and learn! and sing!.

and...

...don't lose XXXX, petal... even though it seems lost... and this heart iced ...this heart - the one i would never let anyone!! hurt!!; the one i would always protect with my own...may the angels protect it...

..i know, dear, that it is tough to give a second chance... but...

would you ever pop in here, and read it..and try to trust.. to see me again..
take care, dearest..ok_ ?

....i said one thing, in stupidity, then apologised..i said i loved singing but was too scared to leave work and rely on gigs... i said i make deserts - when did you eat one?.. i said i love, and then hurt; i said i believe in all you do but said it only afterwards... AS IF i only said things to my friends when they say :enough... AS IF i kept changing my mind.. as if m words meant nothing.. so you stopped believing me...so you stopped.. i never did anything on purpose... i tried so hard to show that i do mean, that i do care, that i would always believe.. as i do,and always will, and always be there. but you stopped believing me..(??). and so if that is the case, if my words failed so miserably.. please just look into my eyes... and touch my hands... and check what i have already changed, and done... would you ever try to believe in my words again..? just touch mu hands, dear...

"i learned too late the heaven of your arms..
and fought too late, too much, too hard...
and knowing that
IT never ends,
i m happy, grateful when you smile..
little boy, where will we go?..." ©

i'll always be there for you, you wanna bet..?

:*

...i woke up.. thinking, remembering that day, when you froze,... last time ( remember? said you don;t but...) ; last time you offered help and smiled, and was soo.. so much you, like you are, so kind.. and i spat out a foolish sentence that all that it was ,was being like a kid.. as if you princelike gentlemanhood was being like a kid.... i spat out lies to.. to show you that i give you freedom.. whatever it was, it was so stupid.. and you froze, like on the first day i spat out this biggest lie that started it all.. and so you froze.. probably (consiously or not) thought that i would never change.. that it would never make sense.. and i tried to explain, but words are not actions... loving is not a thing of words.. but actions.. and so you froze; and are like ice now.. because you want to go, move on, be loved... and you do not believe i could..probably the same strong as i don;t believe i would ever love that strong.. anyone else.. even if you froze... and so i run away, for 4 days to see the sea.. to the place where i was just!! after we split... just after..if i had... if i could go there and move time back.. if i had known all that... had known what to do after my other visit there.. at the seaside... if i had known...in April... and so i run away.. loving means letting go.. the more you love, the more you let go... despite all.... so..so..though we all know i was never changed more, and never learned more, now you do not want to believe, and as a friend, I first and mostly respect it... because loving means...take care,ok?